


A Broken Hallelujah

by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)



Series: Uliro Week [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, M/M, Mind Control, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, More tags as stuff happens in fic, Past Torture, Shiro (Voltron)'s Missing Year, Torture, Uliro Week 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-06 01:04:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11025324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticReactions/pseuds/BossToaster
Summary: Day by day, Ulaz finds his place on Team Voltron and deepens his connection with Shiro.But he knows it would all fall apart if the truth came to light.Written for Uliro Week





	1. A Secret Chord

**Author's Note:**

> With a title like this, it has to be fluffy!
> 
> Thank you to VelkynKarma for the original idea and letting me run with it.

Working with Voltron, Ulaz had found, was like sprinting long distances.  It was exhausting, and he would have assumed it would fail quickly.  But through the pain, they got a lot done very quickly.

Ulaz still wasn’t sure how much longevity their system had.  The paladins and the Alteans worked much like their castle - it was an old way, out of style in the universe now, and because of that, a delicate beast.  If one part failed badly enough, the whole thing would crumple.

And despite that, it was one of the most successful forces against Zarkon’s empire that the universe had ever known.  In a year, they had done more than the Blade of Marmora had in a decafeeb.

Ulaz still wasn’t always sure of his place here.  Officially, he was the liaison between the Blade of Marmora and Voltron.  In practice, that didn’t mean much.  After the initial flurry of their blow against Zarkon’s flagship, and the subsequent chaos of retrieving Shiro again, the contact had been limited, as had his usefulness in that role.

It was simply a convenient assignment for the Blade to give Ulaz.  It would be years until the memory and paper trail the Empire had on him would fade enough for him to return to his positions. That was not even considering how the Blade or Marmora had been dragged into the light after the investigation on Thace.  

Then there was the larger question: what were the Blade now, with Zarkon out of the picture?  He had been the face of their enemy, and now that he was gone, it was unclear what their group focus should be.  From what little Ulaz had heard, opinions were mixed at best, and Kolivan had his hands full simply keeping order.

So for now, Ulaz stayed where he was.  In the meantime, he did his best to help Voltron.  Whatever that meant.

Sometimes, it was insider knowledge on the military systems of the Galra.  It was going over old battles with the Princess and Shiro and pointing out common maneuvers, giving them a better feel for the enemy they continued to face, thought now it was the horrible, multi-faced monster the Empire had become.

Sometimes, it was assisting with training.  Ulaz was trained in hand-to-hand in a way only one of the Paladins were.  Keith was progressing rapidly, especially now that he had a second blade to use when required, but Ulaz had lived many years more, and had the experience to back it up.  Thus, he had plenty to teach them all.

Sometimes, it was helping with the castle, maintaining order and keeping the fragile systems maintained as best they could.  Ulaz wasn’t an engineer, to the disappointment of Coran, Pidge and Hunk.  But he did have a basic understanding of ship function and maintenance, even if he hadn’t had much use for it in a long time.  Besides, he’d maintained the small outpost he’d been lying low in by himself.  It was only a few years old, but it was also hastily built by an... eccentric mind, and so it had often needed creative patchwork to keep it going.

Sometimes, it was just being a listening ear.

Most often, that was for Shiro.

After the chaos of their initial meeting, Ulaz hadn’t been sure of how Shiro felt for him.  His memories seemed limited to the escape, and not any of their initial meetings, but it was only a matter of time before new ones surfaced.

Ulaz dreaded that day.  It was the same grim feeling as when he’d thought he’d be caught by the Druids.

The true nuance and understanding of Ulaz and Shiro’s relationship remained one-sided, which made it... more difficult when Shiro began to approach him with questions.

No, that was a lie.  It made it far easier.  Ulaz was just nervous for the other side of the blade to strike him.

So instead, all Ulaz could do was answer, and to soothe, and to be there when the answers weren’t the ones Shiro wanted to hear.

“Those battles,” Shiro asked him, early on.  “In the arena.  How did I fight?  How did they end?”

He looked up at Ulaz, vulnerability in his gaze, and trust as well.  He believed Ulaz would tell him the truth.

Pinned by those eyes, Ulaz could only give him what he wanted.

“You fought...”  Ulaz paused, considering his words carefully.  “You fought like few I’ve ever seen.  The arena makes entertainment out of everyone it uses.  There is an expectation by the patrons and the audience that each ticket will be worth the price.  And to see the fights in person... there are few arenas and fewer ones with good reputations.  Seats are limited, and they go for high bids.  Especially Champion battles.”

Shiro swallowed hard.  “So I had to make it good.”  He looked deeply uncomfortable at the idea.

“You did, but not in the way they expected.  What you were known for wasn’t flashy kills, like most  others.  The fight itself was the show.  You used the environment - climbing walls, obstacles, pillars, spinning and jumping.  It was a performance in and of itself.  So rather than make the kills messy and bloody, there was artistry in how you wore down and tricked your opponent, and then you killed them cleanly and quickly when there was opportunity.”

Staring at him, Shiro’s gaze brightened.  “I did that?”

It felt cruel, to give Shiro hope about his time in captivity.  But nothing Ulaz had said was a lie - he’d seen plenty of those fights himself, both in person and watching the footage after, when Shiro was picked as a subject.

The memory turned Ulaz’ stomach.  He hadn’t cared, then, other than that he hated his position and that this alien was fascinating.  That interest had been vague and clinical.

“You did,” Ulaz replied, because this conversation was about Shiro, not about his own feelings.

A lot of things had become about Shiro.

The conversations were common, but never regular.  Sometimes Shiro would go a week before tracking Ulaz down to talk.  Sometimes he’d come back multiple times through the day.

Ulaz tried to offer what answers he could.  He wouldn’t lie to Shiro, but he wouldn’t give more than what he was asked.

It was the only protection he could give Shiro.

“Why were you there?” Shiro asked quietly.  His voice was hushed in the dim gloom of Ulaz’ room.  He preferred a series of small, floating orbs he’d found to the harsh glow of the lines that crossed every room in the castle.  The flickered and bobbed, a more natural light, like living on a planet.

“Why was I where?” Ulaz asked, sprawling out on his bed.  Shiro was next to him, his metal arm thrown over his stomach to give Ulaz more room.  In the bobbing light, Shiro’s features seemed to change, sometimes round and sometimes sharp, though he didn’t move.

Shiro looked better cast in pale blue light than sharp reds.

Stretching out, Shiro made a vague circular gesture with his hands.  By now, Ulaz recognized that just about all the humans did it, and it seemed functionally meaningless - it usually meant something large and unknown.  “With the Druids.  I remember knowing you took my arm.  But you told Coran you don’t have medical knowledge.”

Ulaz snorted.  “Medicine has very little to do with what Haggar does.  It’s all done through her magic.  No, I am not a doctor.”

Rather than continue, Shiro stared at him, brows up.  Despite the pale cast of his skin and the bags under his eyes, he didn’t look bothered by the implications of the question.

Trust.  He trusted Ulaz.  Whatever answer he said was just Ulaz’ function as a spy, after all.

Ulaz stared up at the ceiling instead of meeting those eyes.  “I was a representative for the military.  It was known that while Haggar was very capable, she was also... she came across distractible, to most of the military.  In my experience, it was simply that she didn’t care about the goals of who she was creating for.  She had her own agenda and she worked toward it.  I was there to keep her focused on the needs she was supposed to be filling.”

“A weapon,” Shiro murmured back, and for a moment, Ulaz’ heart froze.  “That’s what she said to me.  I was supposed to be their greatest weapon.”

“You have become great on your own,” Ulaz told him immediately, looking back over.  Now the content of the conversation seemed to have finally shaken Shiro.  His gaze was more distant, beginning to glaze, so Ulaz rested his hand gently on top of Shiro’s upper arm.  At first he stiffened, but after a moment the touch seemed grounding.  “More than she could have ever feared.  You were never meant to be her weapon.  But I got you out before it could be a problem.  You have proven my actions right a hundred times over.”

Looking over, Shiro’s lips slowly pulled up.  “You did.  I still don’t know how to thank you.  I owe you everything.”

Ulaz’s brows furrowed, honestly baffled.  “You owe me nothing.  When you were free, you lead Voltron to the beginning of the end of the Empire.  You have helped to free worlds and create bonds and allies.  You bring hope.  I owe _you.”_

“You started all of it.  I would have died there.”  Shiro turned onto his side, facing Ulaz. “I’m sure I would have.”

Eventually.  Before that, only part of him would have died.  But Ulaz only noded.  “What you did after was your own actions, not mine.”

“Well, you certainly don’t owe me.”  Shiro beamed at him, expression soft.

He was beautiful.  That was the word to describe Shiro.  From his strong features to his graceful movements, Shiro was beautiful.  

“I disagree, but fine.  We will consider ourselves equals,” Ulaz replied, smiling back.  

Shiro’s gaze flickered over Ulaz, running over his features.  “I like that.  I like it a lot.”

“As do I.”

Swallowing hard, Shiro looked over his face.  “Thank you.  You make this... well, not comfortable, but as near to it as I can.  I sleep better, knowing I have answers.”

Ulaz’ heart stuttered.  “I wish I could have saved you sooner,” he replied, voice soft.  “I wish you hadn’t needed to go through any of it.”

“I do, too,” Shiro replied simply.  “But we can’t undo that.  We can just move forward.  And Haggar will pay for it, and for everything else she did.”

Already looking ahead to the next huge goal, already moving forward and making plans.

Humans were exhausting as they were exhilarating.

“We will,” Ulaz agreed.

Shiro beamed suddenly, and it took Ulaz to realize it was because of the use of the pronoun ‘we’.

Then he leaned forward and pressed his face to Ulaz’.

When he pulled away, Ulaz frowned at him.  “I don’t understand.”

For a moment, Shiro looked wounded.  Then it clicked.  “You- oh!  Of course you don’t...” His cheeks changed color, going pink, and he turned to hide his face in the covers.  “Oh no.”

Ulaz continued to stare, baffled by the strange behavior.  “Is something wrong?”

“I’m embarrassed.  It was a silly mistake.  Of course it doesn’t make any sense to you.  That’s kissing.  It’s how humans show affection.”

“So you are affectionate toward me?” Ulaz replied carefully.  “Do you kiss the others?  I have not seen you do so.”

That made Shiro color more.  “Well, very rarely on the top of the head or the forehead.  Not... that was... it was romantic.”  The last word came out nearly strangled.

It was baffling, that this was the same person who had won so many battles and who had vexed Haggar for so long.  Now he was curled into Ulaz’ bed like he was about to die, refusing to fully show his face.

In a word, it was cute.

“You think of me that way?”

That was-

That was amazing.

It was also terrifying, and it made Ulaz’ stomach twist itself into guilty knots.

“Yes,” Shiro replied.  “I’m sorry if that was too much.  It was an impulse.  I understand you probably don’t think of me that way.  It might not even have occurred to you, given our different species.”

Ulaz couldn’t help it.  He burst into laughter.  “Of course I have.”

Hope bloomed in Shiro’s eyes, and he finally picked his head up fully.  “You have?  You were thinking of me like that?”

It would be so easy.

It would be so very simple to say yes and to smile and to reap the benefits of a relationship with Shiro.  To do more of that kissing, if it pleased him, and to get to nose into Shiro’s silken fur and trace the lines of his body.  To have a suitable reason to remain in his room until late in the night.

But Ulaz was also a coward.  He feared Shiro’s reactions to remembering more, to learning the full truth.  Feared the pain in his eyes, the inevitable consequences.

He would already be a traitor to Shiro.  He didn’t need to make it worse.

“I have, but I don’t think it’s advisable right now,” Ulaz replied.  “There is... there’s much to be done.  Connections like that can be a distraction in a war.”

Shiro slumped back down like Ulaz had cut off his internal batteries.  “Oh.  So you- no.  No, you’re right.  You’re absolutely correct, I’m sorry.”

“Do not be,” Ulaz replied quickly, moving forward himself.  He rested a hand on Shiro’s side, and he jolted at the touch.  “You are not wrong to ask for it.  I do not say this to guilt you.  This is simply my choice.  Perhaps some other day, not too long.  You have already done much in the short time you’ve been a paladin.  Who’s to say what the next while will bring?”

At first, Ulaz thought Shiro would object.  There was pain in his eyes still, despite Ulaz’ attempts to console him.  But instead he smiled.  “I’m willing to wait for that.”

Ulaz’ eyes slammed shut.  “I appreciate that,” he replied, voice a whisper.

There was so much Shiro didn’t know.

They were both waiting, Shiro for affections Ulaz already held, and Ulaz for memories Shiro need only remember.

Working with the humans was a constant test of Ulaz’ endurance.  How long could he keep up?

Staying with Shiro was equally exhausting.  There was only so long he could keep up with him, could continue to bear the little wounds and pains without flinching and letting Shiro see his pain.

But it was necessary.  As long as Ulaz held out, it was another day he didn’t have to the consequences.

“I should go,” Shiro murmured.  “I’m sorry.”

“Do not be,” Ulaz replied.  “My door remains open to you.  It always will.  This, I promise you.”

That seemed to help.  Shiro offered him a quiet smile.  “Thank you.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

With that he left, and Ulaz laid back with a sigh, scrubbing over his face.

His endurance was rapidly running out.


	2. The Baffled King Composing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day Two: Memories

_ Ulaz dreamed. _

He walked through the witch's lab, carefully eyeing the machinery and organic material.  Even Haggar's magic couldn't stop the room from constantly smelling of death, but carefully cleaning did make it at least bearable to be in.

He had questions.  Many, in fact.  And Ulaz doubted he'd get many answers, but he was in a position to try.

"Haggar," he called, ducking his head in respectful greeting.  She didn't reply nor look up, still looking over projected scans.  The skeletal structure of her latest project glowed faintly as it turned in place, casting her in a red light.  "I wish to speak with you."

"I don't wish to speak with you," Haggar replied immediately.  "Do not think that your mandated presence means that you can command me."

Ulaz bit back an annoyed sigh.  "I would never presume it does," he replied.  "I simply wish to understand the assignment better, so that I can better serve both you and Emperor Zarkon."

It was a reasonable request, and one that anyone in his position would have.  So long as they weren't an idiot.

Because Ulaz didn't understand.  Yes, this new alien was interesting in a vague sort of way, but Ulaz didn't know where he came into it.  He'd studied over the files he'd been given, looked over the lists Haggar had sent to him, and he didn't have any solid idea of what she wanted.

Giving a frustrated sigh, Haggar finally turned to Ulaz.  He kept his head respectfully bowed, but didn't bother to hide his interested gaze. She wasn't Zarkon, after all, and there was a limit to the level of respect he absolutely had to show her. Besides, Haggar seemed to appreciate some spine.  Not enough to directly get in her way or ignore her orders, but enough to make smart decisions rather than mindlessly follow orders.

"Fine," she replied.  "I wish for you to oversee my latest project’s progress.  I have been reminded by Commander Sendak that he has certain requirements I am obligated to fill.  In working on this, I will make sure he gets what he wants."

Ulaz paused, waiting for her to explain, but her eyes were already tracking back to the skeleton.  "What is that, Druid Haggar?"

"A soldier," Haggar replied.  "A weapon.  Whichever.  Something he can use, rather than can be used for the empire.  I have told him that his own soldiers should be plenty for the job, but he insists that it is my purpose to fulfil these obligations.  For the moment, Emperor Zarkon doesn't disagree.  Do not get comfortable in my lab.  You will not be here long."

That-

That still explained little.  

"So I'll be testing these weapons?" Ulaz ventured carefully.  He didn't know why he'd be picked for such a task.  While his hand-to-hand combat skills were strong, and he was a decent shot, most of the military didn't know the extent of his skills.

Haggar let out another annoyed noise, frustrated at him for not keeping up.  Ulaz tried not to flinch out of automatic reaction.  No one in the Empire wanted Haggar's wrath pointed at them, with the possible exception of Commander Sendak.  Their back and forth was legendary as it was destructive.  "You will be in charge of the weapon.  You'll learn more soon.  Leave."

There was nothing to do with such a direct order, so Ulaz bowed and left, eyes narrowed and blowing strands of longer white fur out of his face.

In charge of the weapon. She wanted him to oversee its construction?  That made no sense at all.  Ulaz was no engineer, had none of the Druids' powers.  He was a soldier.  Perhaps a smart one, perhaps a clever one.  He was hoping to maneuver himself into a leadership position, taking over small groups and demonstrating that he could be trusted with bigger tasks.  But so far that had panned out to very little.

It was specific wording, too.  In charge sounded like management.  Babysitting, even.

Thinking about the footage he'd been shown of the alien, Ulaz frowned.

He was going to be in charge of that being?  Was that what Haggar meant?  Why?  What did that have to do with a weapon?

Well, he'd find out soon enough.  Haggar wasn't going to give him more answers, so Ulaz would have to figure out the rest for himself.

***

The alien's name was Shiro.

Ulaz had been vaguely aware of that, in a distant, uncaring sort of way.  Even now, the knowledge was more annoying than anything.  The alien refused to answer to his designation, and would pointedly turn his head away whenever Ulaz used it.  When forced, he would correct with his name, snapping it out like he had any business giving commands in this relationship.

And it was a relationship.

Ulaz was going to be Shiro's handler, it seemed.

He'd been right.  It was babysitting.

Everything to do with the human was frustrating.  He was brilliant in combat.  Ulaz had seen him take down opponents many times his size and speed using tiny weaknesses against them.  Yet he didn't seem to take any pride or pleasure in the fight.  Ulaz might have had respect for that that at a different time, but right now, it only meant that Shiro bucked every attempt to pound in new and useful skills into his all too thick skull.

Ulaz appreciated fire.  He appreciated anyone who could stand up to the Galra Empire, who could look Haggar in the face and tell her no.  Someone needed to, even if it only earned him a shock to the back of the neck.

Ulaz appreciated it much more when it wasn't reflecting back on him.

"Activate your weapon," Ulaz ordered, eyes narrowed and arms crossed.  "You will not be leaving this room until you have beaten your opponent."  One of Haggar's latest creations was chained on the other side, practically salivating for their chance at the Champion.  Ulaz suspected those abominations were her real reason for doing this - she wanted the project with Shiro to work because it would please Zarkon and the military units.  She wanted those beasts of hers to succeed because she enjoyed their creation and the havoc they unleashed.  For every one Shiro was finally goaded into killing, there was another to replace it, stronger and with more violent implants.  Ulaz wondered if that had something to do with the prosthetics Haggar made, but he’d never voiced the question.

Disgusting, but useful to know about.  Ulaz kept Kolivan updated on each monster as much as he could.  Those were the weapons that Zarkon would send against them if there was ever an issue.  Ulaz had lofty goals of releasing one and letting it wreak havoc on the Druids and Haggar's lab, but at this point, it wasn't useful.  As long as this little alien could continue to beat them, Haggar's magic would take care of them in an instant.

"Why?" Shiro asked, crossing his arms in pointed denial.  "What do you get out of this?"

"Avoiding Haggar's wrath for another day," Ulaz shot back, baring his teeth.

The honest answer seemed to shake Shiro.  He hesitated, and eyed the shock rod in Ulaz' hands.  He knew it would be used against him if he held out for too long.  So far, Ulaz had only had to use it once, but he'd held it longer than strictly necessary.  It gave the illusion of loyalty and sadism that the Druids seemed to appreciate, but he'd hoped to dissuade any need for him to use it a second time.

It seemed to be working.

Shiro took a deep breath, but then squared his jaw and raised his shoulders.  "That's your problem."

Or not.

Raising his weapon, Ulaz stepped forward.

Shiro met his gaze the whole time.

In the end, Shiro fought the creature and he used his arm to slay it, as ordered.

But it was at the cost of burns down his spine, of much of his energy and a new, nasty cut on his side where the creature's metal claws had caught him.

Ulaz needed to do something different before Shiro got himself destroyed and Ulaz was killed for his failure.  The Blade of Marmora would lose their single link to the Druids, and that was not worth the life of one very annoying alien.

So he went to speak to Haggar about solutions.

***

This had not been what Ulaz had been thinking.  But he suspected his report just gave Haggar the opportunity to use an idea that had been banging around in her horrifying brain.

The next time he went to retrieve Shiro, it was not for combat.

That seemed to soothe Shiro for a few ticks, until he realized it was something much worse.

"What is this?" He demanded, as the metal headband was clapped into place around his head, settling over each of his temples.  What a silly design flaw, humans had, to have such delicate spots so near their brains.

Haggar didn't answer.  She seemed too giddy to pay him any mind, moving around where Shiro was chained.  He struggled even now, though he'd been soundly backhanded already.  It hadn't done him any good, but now Ulaz found himself dreading the moment Shiro stopped fighting.  It would mean Haggar’s plan had succeeded.

This hadn't been what Ulaz had meant to happen.

"You will give the commands," Haggar told Ulaz, not even looking over at him.  "I will be able to reprogram him to another later, but as you are his handler, it is most efficient to have you be the test case first."

Ulaz swallowed hard against a wave of sudden nausea.  He looked over at Shiro, who finally wasn't blustering anymore.  He looked terrified and confused, and for a moment Ulaz thought  _ 'I shouldn't.' _

But his job was more important than this one alien.  The Blade of Marmora needed this information, and then needed Ulaz alive and in the position to get it.  So he spoke.

"Unit 117-9875, initiate activation code 5."

Shiro stared at him.  "What?"

Then he screamed as pure pain lanced through his nervous system.

"Unit 117-9875, initiate activation code 5."

Shiro tried to stand, and for a moment the pain didn't hit him.  When he was up on both feet, the shock hit again, and he crashed back down to his knees, sobbing with it.  He'd stopped sounding like a sentient being and more like an animal or one of Haggar's beasts.

"I don't underst-"

"Unit 117-9875, initiate activate code 5."

This time Shiro shoved himself up to his feet, having learned that helped.  Then he hesitated, panic visibly crossing his face.  He threw himself back to the floor, both hands on the ground, one knee up.

Closer.  The pain held off.

Shiro looked up.

It hit again.

The process continued over and over, until when Ulaz gave the correct phrase, Shiro knelt placidly, head down and both hands flat on the floor in front of him.

When he tried to move, it would hurt him.

When he tried to stand, it would hurt him.

When he tried to speak, it would hurt him.

Shiro stopped doing any of that.  Until he stopped being himself and was only Unit 117-9875, gaze blank and utterly motionless.

Then, they moved onto the next one.

And when they were done, Haggar pressed a glowing hand to his forehead, and Shiro's memories of the day faded out, until he only had a vague sense of what had happened.  They couldn't totally wipe his thoughts from past several hours, but they could give him enough that he couldn't anticipate what he was walking into the next day.

Ulaz escorted him back, one hand gripping his upper arm fiercely to keep him in place.  It was more for show.  There was no way that Shiro was going to be running away right now, not when he was in such pain and when he was so dazed.

When Ulaz left him back in his cell, Shiro was feeling the band around his head with a look of absolute confusion.

***

It continued on, and Ulaz found himself latching onto the moments between when Shiro was himself and when he was Unit 117-9875.

No matter what they did to him, Shiro continued to fight and mouth off.  On some days, he was quieter about it.  Some days, he stepped in obediently, looking utterly exhausted.  But he never fully gave in, even when he broke down.  The abuse crushed him, but something of him remained.  There was an edge of sarcasm in his voice, or a chanced glance up to meet Haggar or Ulaz' gaze directly.  He dared and he paced and he resisted every fight they tried to throw him into.

But when he was activated, he was the opposite.

Unit 117-9875 obeyed, instantly and immediately.  He applied that same fierce spirit to the task assigned to him.  He slaughtered Haggar's beasts more efficiently, leaving her frustrated at the utter lack of progress for her precious pets.  For all they had begun gaining ground on Shiro, Unit 117-9875 proved that a lie.

Ulaz was strangely proud of him.  The only victories Haggar had gotten were in reality Shiro's.  They were the resistances he managed, when he could have so easily just defeated them without the pain of fighting his handler.

They also started spending stranger hours together.  It did them no good if Shiro only obeyed his activations in certain settings or at certain times, so Ulaz would have him brought to him at odd hours, or would come to Shiro and speak the words.

Slowly, bit by bit, the separation between the mentalities become more stark.  Ulaz rarely needed to use the headband anymore. Shiro barely seemed to notice its existence.  When Ulaz spoke to him normally, he was the same stubborn human that they'd had brought it, every bit of that rebellious fire crammed into the moments he could still rebel.  And then Ulaz would say a phrase and he'd duck his head obediently, his eyes would blank, and he'd be the paper-perfect soldier for any and all tasks.  He soaked up necessary skills like cloth soaked up water.  He completed every task asked of him without question or delay.

Sendak would be pleased.  Was pleased, in fact, with Ulaz’ occasional reports, and the way he eyed Shiro made Ulaz think he anticipated having the Champion just as much as he anticipated having a Druid-enhanced soldier.

It was disgusting.

But not as disgusting as the work Ulaz had to do.

There was no choice.  One alien wasn't worth everything they gained from Ulaz' position.

So when Ulaz had haltingly suggested that they kidnap Shiro and use him for their own devices, it had been a compromise.  He wanted to get him out of this awful lab, with it's rancid smells and pain and destruction.  Ulaz had wanted Shiro free, and if they could make him useful to the Blade of Marmora, perhaps that would undo the damage of Ulaz losing his position.

Kolivan disagreed, as he should have.  It wasn't an even trade.

Ulaz found himself wishing for it anyway.

***

Day by day, Ulaz started to fold to his traitorous admiration and started to see Shiro when there wasn't a need to train him.

Shiro reacted to him with understandable malice and suspicion.  He didn't want to answer any questions about his life before his capture.  

"What were you doing on that moon?"  Ulaz asked out of pure curiosity.  What had the humans hoped to gain from their trip?

Shiro bared his teeth back.  "Nothing that would interest you."  He flinched and tensed, part of him always aware of the pain Ulaz could cause.  He pulled the arm closer to him, probably remembering his presence in the room when he'd been giving the addition.

But neither of that made him pull his gaze away.

"Fine," Ulaz replied.  "Are your needs met nutritionally?" He asked instead, hoping a question with useful answers to them both would serve them better.  "You will perform better for us when your body is working optimally."

Shiro's hands shook, and Ulaz stared in utter bafflement as Shiro turned his plate upside down and pressed it into the metal floor.  This time he did look away, a fine tremor running through him, but he didn't pull his hand back.  The food was completely ruined.

He would go hungry for the day.  Ulaz couldn't allow that kind of rebellion to continue.

But Ulaz slipped him extra food the next day, and he had to resist the urge to smile when he did it.

Shiro had something to him that Ulaz adored.  

Freedom.  Despite everything, despite his position, despite how little power he had, Shiro maintained a small spark of freedom.

But when Ulaz went to deliver the next day’s food, he could tell it cost Shiro.  His whole body shook, and when Ulaz took a deep breath to speak, he pulled away from him.

How long could Shiro last like this?  How long could he maintain that spark?  Should Ulaz even want that for him, when it only brought him pain?

***

There was a problem.  

Or, it was a problem for Ulaz, though no one else seemed to think so. 

Unit 117-9875 was progressing rapidly, near perfectly, to the point they’d long since retired the headband completely.

But each time Ulaz activated Unit 117-9875, it took longer for him to fade back to Shiro.  The deactivation code had never been reinforced by pain, so it didn't have the immediate, ingrained response that any other order phrases did.

But it was the one Ulaz relied on most.  He wasn't sure how long he could keep this up, if there was only Unit 117-9875.  It was Shiro who he wanted to see, Shiro who he held his breath for, Shiro whose rebellion felt like Ulaz' own.

Instead, he was left staring into the deadened eyes in front of him.  "Code 5.  Retrieve the egg."

Unit 117-9875 nodded once, silent acknowledgement, and he stepped forward into the impromptu ring.  On the other side, one of Haggar's beasts stood.  This one was only created as a test for Shiro, not incidentally used as one.  It was designed to be a fearsome, vicious fighter, but only in defense of a single object - its egg.  Otherwise, it was nearly docile, or at least indifferent.

Unit 117-9875 tilted his head, and then moved forward, steps steady and measured, not a shred of emotion on his face.

The beast roared back, many of its tentacles reaching out to strike Shiro with their metal barbs.  The others curled protectively around what it believed to be its young, and acid splashed from its beak as it cried out.

Within minutes, most of the tentacles were ripped or cut off, and the lower beak was cracked and bleeding freely.  Unit 117-9875 cut through the rest of the creature until he could wrap his fingers around the egg and yanked it free.  Then he turned and returned, leaving the beast bleeding and clicking forlornly, the few remaining arms twitching and squirming as it tried to retrieve its offspring.

Shiro would have cared. His face would have crumpled as he fought the beast, would have wavered and faltered as he stole its baby, would have killed it cleanly to end the suffering rather than let it watch and bleed out helplessly.

Unit 117-9875 did not.  That was not the objective.

Ulaz took the egg and held it tightly in his hands.  "Unit 117-9875, deactivate code 7."

Immediately, Unit 117-9875 ducked his head and closed his eyes, feet set apart evenly with his shoulders and arms flat against his sides.  But he didn't deactivate into Shiro.

"Haggar," Ulaz murmured to her, when he handed over the egg for her to work with.  "You see the problem."

Looking over Shiro, who hadn't moved an inch from his spot, Haggar's lips pulled up.  "No, I do not."

Ulaz's fingers clenched at his side.  "If it does not displease you, then I will not worry about it."

"Worry about making sure he is ready for Sendak, as much of a waste as that will be.  Once his training is complete, we will begin to transfer the handler status over.  Do you anticipate there will be problems with that?"  Her gaze looked thoughtful as she raked it over Shiro’s form.  Ulaz had the sudden, sinking suspicion that she didn’t want this specimen to go to Sendak at all.  She gave the same look to her beasts, after all.

Looking over at Shiro as well, Ulaz shook his head. "No, I don't think it is me he is responding to, but to the code."

Haggar nodded, satisfied at that.  "Retire him."

Ulaz did, and when he was put back in his cell, Shiro curled up and didn't move, immediately falling asleep like a light being switched.

All Ulaz could do was hope it was Shiro who woke up that morning.

He couldn't risk Shiro being totally wiped away.  He was worth too much.  Ulaz couldn't stand to see it, and moreover, he knew Shrio could be more than this.  Someone who could fight for so long... 

No, anyone would have been worth saving no matter what. Ulaz knew that, even when he swallowed it.  He shouldn't let anyone suffer like this.

But Ulaz had.  Would have continued and swallowed how much he hated the situation.  Let it be an annoyance again.

But he couldn’t risk erasing what made this human  _ Shiro. _

***  

Then, Ulaz got his reason.

The success of Unit 117-9875  made Haggar passingly curious as to the rest of the planet.  For the most part, they were too primitive to bother with more than a cursory look, but the brief scan was enough to get interesting readings.

Readings that suggested something powerful and old on the planet.  Something with a certain wavelength of energy.

The Blue Lion.

This would be the end of Ulaz' spying career.  Kolivan would disagree, but there was no way they couldn't react to that information, and so it would be obvious someone passed it on.  Ulaz was perhaps not the first thought for a leak, but he would be found out eventually.

And Shiro was the only person they knew who the humans would listen to and scramble to fight back against Zarkon's fleet.

It was a long shot.  They had no chance, not really.

But at least they could go down fighting, and in the chaos, there were more opportunities for the Blade of Marmora to make their move.

So Ulaz did the only thing he could do.

He waited for Shiro’s memories of the day to be to be wiped, then interrupted before one of his weekly health check-ins.  Shiro reacted with the same distrust as ever, doubled by the fact that this was the first time he'd seen Ulaz in one of the medical rooms since his arm had been replaced.  

But Ulaz had managed.  He'd gotten Shiro free, and he'd gone on to do so much.

Ulaz had been right that Shiro was worth more than the information from Ulaz' positions.

But that didn't matter, not really.  What mattered was that Ulaz never had to utter those hated words again.  What mattered was that Shiro's programming to his handler had never been passed on, so no one else's words would ever cause Unit 117-9875 to reappear.

Shiro was free of it all.

And if Ulaz wasn't, if the guilt of it still choked him every day he spent with Voltron, it was only what he deserved.


	3. Love is Not a Victory March

It seemed to Ulaz that nothing ever went to plan when it came to Voltron.  There was always at least one unlucky moment, where they would be detected or reinforcements would arrive or some piece of technology would suddenly fail.

Each mission left Ulaz exhausted in a way that his spying jobs never had.  Those were a slow, awful drain, dragging away his feelings until he was left greyed and washed out, like paint too far diluted.  In comparison, Voltron left him feeling too full and bright, wrung dry but proud of it.  Each night, he crashed into his bed and slept well, assuming it wasn’t one of the times Shiro knocked on his door for more half-answers.

But while all of team Voltron’s plans felt half-baked, this one felt especially chaotic.

If the average mission had one bad moment, this one had been a long string of terrible luck.

“Shir-  _ Shoot! _  We got cut off,” Hunk reported, voice rising in alarm.  “We’re- we can get to the lions, but Shiro’s blocked off by soldiers.”

“Yeah.  We’re heading back for him,” Lance agreed, his tone harsh in his whisper.  “Just give us three min-”

But Shiro interrupted them with a grunt.  “No.  Get the device to Pidge and Keith.”

“Shiro!” Keith protested.  “You can’t stay there. We can’t leave you alone against all of them.”

Snorting, Shiro gave another grunt, this one of exertion.  “You don’t have to.  I’m not going to fight them.  I’m going to find a vantage point to lay low.  Are all these buildings evacuated?”

Allura nodded, her fingers tapping fast and angrily against the castle’s consoles.  “According to their chiefess, yes.  We can land and come and get you.”

“It’ll just be a few minutes,” Coran agreed, his own fingers flying over the screens.

“We can get the device to Pidge faster than that,” Hunk offered.  “Shiro, you have to promise you’re not going to try and fight them.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Shiro replied, an edge of humor to his tone.  It must have been one of their references, because Allura looked as confused as Ulaz felt.  “Go on.  I can manage for a few minutes.  Then all of you can come in guns blazing, alright?”

It was, at its heart, a reasonable option.  Shiro knew as well as the rest of them that getting the drive with all the information to Pidge was the priority.

But Ulaz didn’t like it.  Waiting in the castle with Allura and Coran was much more tolerable when they were involved in the firefight.  At times like this, where they hovered just off the edge...

These were the times Ulaz hated the systems Voltron ran off of.  Why didn’t he just go in with the Black Lion?  Then he’d be with Shiro, and he could help him fight his way out.

Or they’d both be huddled down somewhere, and they’d be dealing with Ulaz’ much larger size.  But at least Shiro wouldn’t be alone.

“We can still begin to land just in case,” Ulaz offered.  “It will make pick-up after easier.  Once this information is broadcast to the Ventriz, we can leave immediately.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Shiro replied, his voice much quieter.  

Keith let out a furious little noise, and Ulaz hoped he wouldn’t let his desire to care for Shiro overtake his sense.  The Red Paladin truly had a Galra temper, despite how human he looked.  But he wasn’t the one to make this rescue.  Hunk would be, but Lance and Hunk would need to stick together to get past the forces trying to keep them away from the broadcasting tower.

The chatter continued as the castle landed, and Ulaz gripped hard at the back of Shiro’s empty seat.  There was nothing for him to do here.  When the castle was in battle, he could be useful, helping repair damage and monitor systems while Allura controlled the energy-heavy portions of piloting the ship.

Now, he could only watch.

There were many, many reasons it was a good thing that Ulaz hadn’t become Shiro’s handler like Haggar had intended.  This was one of them.  Ulaz dealt poorly with sitting and directing from afar.  

He resisted the urge to pace and move around, all too aware it was wasted energy.

The sound of distant fire over the comms caught Ulaz’ attention, and his ear twitched.  “Lance, Hunk, you are still doing well?”

“That’s not us,” Lance reported, and there was another, louder crack.  “That one was us.   Shiro, you doing okay?”

“Might be me,” Shiro replied, voice barely a hiss.  “I just had to move hiding spots, don’t worry.  You at the tower?”

“Just about.”  Even without seeing it, Ulaz could imagine Hunk’s deep frown.  “Shiro, Lance has it and we’re a second from being in.  I can head back-”

Shiro grunted again, like he’d just impacted something.  “No,” he managed, and he was breathing hard.  Probably running up and jumping around the abandoned buildings.  That was Shiro’s prefered method of evasion.  “Not alone.  I’m fine, I just had to get to a different point.  I’ll be okay until you-  _ agh!” _

The scream was so sudden and pained that Ulaz jumped, his short fur bristling in immediate, visceral reaction.  In front of him, one of Allura’s hands left her controls to clap over her mouth, and Coran had gone dangerously still.

There were several long seconds of nothing.

“Shiro!” Pidge yelled, the first time she’d broken her concentration from her task.  “Are you okay?”

“Okay, screw this, Hunk and I are going to get him.  If nothing else we can be a distraction.  Lance is-”

“We’re here, go, Hunk, seriously.  You and Keith go, we got this.” Lance agreed, and Ulaz could hear his voice overlap as he stepped closer to Pidge.  “We’ll join you guys when this is ready, just get him.”

There was a pained, wet cough.  “No,” Shiro ordered, but it was a weak, pained word.  “Don’t.  Wait till... everyone.  S’better. Just fell off a roof.”

“Shiro, are you alright?” Allura asked.  “Can you move?”

There was a long, shaky inhale.  “I think-” then there was another yell, just as bloodcurdling as the last one.  “N-no.”  

Ulaz hadn’t heard Shiro sound like that in a long time.  He wasn’t just hurt. He was scared.  Terrified, even.

The castle landed, and Ulaz reached for his Blade, preparing to leave.  “I’m on my way.  I can help provide back-up.”

“They don’t know where I fell,” Shiro admitted, and his voice shook and cracked on the word.  “But my leg.  I can’t- I won’t be able to-”

“Shiro,” Coran murmured, and his voice dropped to a soothing pitch.  “Number one, breathe.”  When he turned to look at Allura, his expression was unusually somber, and he pointed to the paladin biometrics on his screen.

They were always elevated during a mission, but this well out of those norms.

If Ulaz had to guess, Shiro was having a panic attack.  Probably related to his PTSD.

Swallowing hard, Ulaz remembered several nasty tumbles that had resulted in a broken leg, either before he’d joined the project or after.  Any one of them could have started this.

But if Shiro continued on like this, he wasn’t going to just hurt himself further.  He was going to be caught.  Already, Ulaz could pick up the faint hints of shouts and voices in Galra from Shiro’s intercom.

He was going to get recaptured before anyone could get to him, assuming he wasn’t killed outright.  Likely not.  These Galra knew who they were chasing, and Shiro was wanted back alive by Haggar.

And Ulaz knew exactly what was waiting for him there.

Disgust warred with horror, and Ulaz took several deep breaths, trying to figure out what to do.  He could hear Shiro continuing to shift and the soft noises of pain that caused, the voices of the other paladins as they ran to his aid, the sound of heavy metal footsteps approaching Shiro.

They were out of time.  And none of them could afford what Haggar would get out of Shiro if she had him again.

So Ulaz stepped forward and made himself speak.  “Unit 117-9875, activation code 2.”

There was silence, both from Shiro and from the rest of the team.

“What was that?” Allura asked, frowning darkly.  

But Coran’s eyes went wide.  “Princess,” he called, and pointed to Shiro’s biometrics again.

Now, they were no longer showing signs of panic.  Instead they were unnaturally calm, as though every emotion had suddenly shut off.

“Ready for orders,” Shiro  - Unit 117-9875 - replied, utterly without inflection.

“Shiro?” Pidge asked, her voice very small.  “Are you okay?”

There was no answer, as though Shiro hadn’t heard at all.

Essentially, he hadn’t.

“Eliminate all targets in the immediate area, then return to the castle.  Only engage anyone who threatens you with lethal action.”  Ulaz took a step back, and then another.  He could feel Allura and Coran’s stares without opening his eyes, and knew the others would be giving him the same look if they could.

Except for Shiro.

“Understood,” Unit 117-9875, replied, and Ulaz heard the singing hum of his arm activating.  Immediately, there were shouts and the sound of blaster fire, then screams and silence.

Shiro’s biometrics remained unchanged, and Ulaz could hear footsteps as he followed the second part of his orders.

The silence held for several long seconds.  “Ulaz, what’s going on?” Lance finally asked, voice beginning to harden.

“When Shiro was captured...” Ulaz took a deep breath.  “Haggar put him through a program so that he would be obedient.  It was attuned to me as his practice handler.  That was my job with the Druids.”

The confession was met with a long second of silence, and then there was pure chaos as every single one of the paladins began to yell at him.  Those on the bridge did not, but Ulaz only needed to glance up once to know their feelings on the matter.  Allura’s gaze had darkened into something very much like hatred, and the set of Coran’s shoulders was suddenly dangerous.

Over Shiro’s coms, there was blaster fire again, then more screams.  Then quiet.  “I have arrived at the castle.  Awaiting orders.”

“Unit 117-9875, deactivation code 3.”

There was no answer.

“What did you make him do?” Hunk asked, and Ulaz had never heard him sound that close to violence, even when firing a cannon into enemy ranks.

Ulaz scrubbed over his face.  “Just to sit.  The deactivation codes were made to revert him back to a standard mentality, but they were never reinforced the same way.  It’ll take time to wear off completely, but it should be soon.”

At least, Ulaz hoped.

“For your sake, it had better,” Allura replied, her voice very, very cold.

***

An hour later, Shiro was seated on one of the tables in the med bay, changed into a pair of shorts so that his leg could be examined.  The femur had been broken from the fall, but Ulaz though it was the long gash down his thigh that had caused Shiro’s panic before.  It was very similar to a wound he’d gotten in the arena when fighting Hyndrin.

Shiro had also still not come back.  And Coran seemed very reluctant to put Shiro into the pod when he was in this mentality.

So Shiro sat still, placidly letting the wounds on his leg be cleaned without so much as a wince.  His gaze was steadily on Ulaz, constantly aware of his handler and prepared to receive more instruction.

Ulaz was tempted to find him a blindfold or order him to look away, but that was the coward’s way out.

Keith stayed stationed firmly behind Shiro, his bayard active and settled in his lap.  He’d tried to speak to him, but hadn’t gotten so much as a blink, and since they he’d been watching Ulaz was a similarly unwavering glare, as if daring him to try anything.

“His temperature is a little low,” Coran reported softly, sounding like he was narrating on habit rather than any need to inform the rest of them.  “For now, let’s just...”  He pulled out one of the blankets and pulled it around Shiro’s shoulders and tucked it into place.  Then he held out the ends.  “Hold here, please.” 

Shiro didn’t move, or so much as twitch.

Sighing, Ulaz glanced at the others, then took a deep breath.  “Hold them.”

Without answer, Shiro pulled the blanket back up his shoulders and held it in place.

Coran frowned and glanced back, gaze dark, but Ulaz gave a helpless shrug.  They’d needed his orders to get Shiro changed into the shorts, too.  He was showing an uncharacteristic lack of body shyness from it.

Call it another tally on Ulaz’ guilt list.

“How long until he’s back?” Hunk asked quietly, his hands folded into his lap.  “You said sometimes it took a while, right?”

Wincing, Ulaz shook his head. “I don’t have an exact time.  I was never there when he came back this way.  Only when he responded properly to the deactivation.”

Lance frowned.  “Where were you, then? Who was there?”

“No one,” Ulaz admitted.  “I was taking care of other tasks.  He would be returned to his... quarters.”

Picking her head up, Pidge pinned Ulaz with a venomous glare.  “You mean his cell.”

Ulaz nodded, shoulders slumping.  “Yes.”

“Why did you never mention this?” Allura demanded.  “All this time this was just... lurking.  We could have been helping him, or watching out for it!”

“Because no one else could do it,” Ulaz replied.  “He was only programmed to me.  I freed him before he could be tied to anyone else.  Sendak was next, likely, or Haggar.  But I’m the only one who can use his activation codes.”

Hunk glanced between Ulaz and Shiro, then finally groaned.  “Why?” He demanded.  “What’s this all for?  Why just you, why no one else?”

Pausing, Ulaz considered the questions.  “I was assigned to the druids simply to keep Haggar focused.  Sendak had... commissioned her, I suppose.  She was supposed to create weapons that helped the average commander, not just the larger beasts and mechanisms she preferred.  Shiro was that project.  She’d already selected him as a candidate for other possible uses - for what, I don’t know, I’m afraid - but he was assigned to this.  It’s a conditioned state.  He was trained to respond to certain codes in specific ways, depending on what he was needed for.”

“That’s disgusting,” Lance replied.  He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall.  “That’s  _ awful. _  And you went along with it?”

Ulaz sighed.  “I participated, yes.  Haggar-”  He cut himself off and shook his head.  There was no sense blaming his actions on anyone else.  Yes, it would have ruined the mission to flee, but he could have done it.  And Ulaz couldn’t pretend he hadn’t been part of it emotionally.  He’d hated the job, but not for the suffering he was doing to another being.  To Shiro.  Not at first.

“I want him off the ship,” Pidge sudden said, voice low and dark.  “Now.  Before he does it again.”

Ulaz held up his hands.  “I had no intentions of ever doing it again.  I only did it because if Shiro was recaptured, Haggar would be able to do this through other handlers.  She could give him to anyone, or command him herself.  It’s all there.  We couldn’t afford it.”  He hesitated, then dropped his hands into his lap.  “And because he would not want to go back.”

The venom in Pidge’s eyes didn’t lessen at all.  “I don’t care.  I want you  _ gone. _  I’ll shoot you out the airlock myself.”

“That’s- look.” Hunk winced and held up his hands.  “Maybe not?  Ulaz freed Shrio, and he- it was an awful,  _ awful _ thing.  Shiro walked on  _ that.” _  Hunk looked at Shiro’s leg, inflamed and bloodied, then shuddered.  “But he knows what happened to Shiro.  We at least need to know about the specifics.  Otherwise, we could be caught off guard again.”

“I’m quite fond of the airlock idea myself,” Allura admitted, nearly cheerful.  Her eyes glowed the few times she looked at Ulaz, but mostly she was watching Shiro.  “But we can be merciful and return you to the Blade of Marmora.”

Lance cleared his throat.  “Guys?  Maybe we shouldn’t make this call?”

For the first time, Keith looked away from Ulaz to nod at Lance. “It should be Shiro’s.  No one else gets to decide what happens.”  When he looked to Ulaz, but there was something considering in his gaze.  “And he got Shiro out in the first place.”

“So?” Pidge asked, nearly a snarl.

“So if he’d wanted to control Shiro, he didn’t have to free him, not like that.  It’s not about that.  And he kept him from getting recaptured.”  Under the force of the room’s stares, Keith shook his head hard.  “I don’t condone it.  I don’t like- you think I don’t  _ hate  _ this?  Really?  Look at him!”  Keith gestured to Shiro, his hand moving past so quickly it ruffled his white bangs.  Shiro didn’t so much as blink at the near smack.  “But I  _ get _ it, I think.  If I could say a few words and get Shiro to move and not get captured... I don’t know what I’d do with it.”

There was a heavy silence as everyone in the room considered that.

Ulaz just let it wash over him.  He wouldn’t have known what he would pick until that moment came, and now he had to live with that choice.  It was an ugly thing, to override Shiro’s mind like that, to force him to act physically in a way that would disturb him later, then to force him to walk on an injury.

But Shiro was alive and not in Haggar’s grasp.  Ulaz could live with banishment, with being sent back in shame, with Shiro’s hatred.  Anything so long as Shiro didn’t have to live through that again.

Ulaz wanted to save who Shiro was.  He was certain that wouldn’t survive a second round.  It was a miracle he had survived it the first time.

“We’ll find that out soon,” Hunk said.  “First we need to get him into a pod, and for that we need to get him back.”

Coran sighed.  “I’m not detecting any change in his biometrics.”

“Every time before he was alone and in a cell by himself, right?” Pidge looked over.  “Did you ever touch him when he was like this?”

Ulaz thought about it.  “Sometimes.  Fleetingly, to direct him.  Occasionally to walk him back to his cell.  But when I touched him it was usually when he was in his typical mentality.”

Hopping out of her chair, Pidge moved to stand in front of him.  Shiro seemed to look through her, and she visibly shivered.  “Will he attack me if I touch him?”

Considering that as well, Ulaz shook his head.  “He shouldn’t when he’s deactivated.  But be careful.”

Pidge’s hands worked by her side, silent and furious.  Then she reached out and gently touched Shiro’s knee.

There was no reaction at all.  Ulaz released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, and his sharp hearing told him he wasn’t the only one.

After a few moments, Shiro’s shoulders seemed to relax slightly.  Encouraged, Ulaz craned his neck to look at Shiro’s biometrics.  There was a slight change, but nothing significant.  “That’s promising,” he told Pidge.  “Continue, but I don’t recommend you make any move he couldn’t see.  He can hear you, he just won’t respond, so verbal notifications will work.”

“Okay,” Keith replied.  “I’m about to touch you too, Shiro.”  He reached down and rested his palm over Shiro’s shoulder.  This time, Shiro physically jolted from it, a startle reflex, but immediately after he started to relax fully, especially when Pidge leaned forward to wrap her arms around his waist.

Hunk and Lance moved in as well, but it didn’t take more than a few seconds.  Shiro suddenly gasped, like coming up for air after being underwater too long.  By the time they joined in, Shiro was already blinking and looking around, and from the way he was curling in on himself, he was probably feeling the pain of his injuries.

During that time, Shiro never looked over at Ulaz.

Stepping over to him, Allura crossed her arms.  She no longer looked quite so murderous, but her frown allowed no arguments.  “I believe the best place for you right now is your quarters.  Without leaving.”

Watching Shiro begin to respond to their touches, then almost immediately be swept up and prepared for a pod by Coran, Ulaz nodded.  “Yes, I agree.  I don’t think I’m needed here.”

As Ulaz stood and walked out, he marvelled as how he could feel like a prisoner again without the cuffs.

Well, his brief time as their captive had been far, far more pleasant than Shiro’s.  This was no less than Ulaz deserved.


	4. When I Moved In You

Ulaz didn’t leave his room that day, and he barely saw anyone in that time.  Coran stopped by at one point with a tray of food, but he didn’t say anything beyond bare greetings.

When Ulaz didn’t respond, he put the tray down and left.  The light on the console blinked, showing it was locked.

A prisoner again.  This time much more deservedly.

More than he deserved, really.  Ulaz had decent food and his bed, which still faintly smelled of Shiro from their most recent talk.  There were little signs of Shiro around: a notepad and pen he’d left and forgotten to bring back and a cup abandoned on the storage space next to the headboard.

Ulaz rolled away so he didn’t have to see it and remember.

At this point, he imagined the next step was to return him to the Blade.  He hoped this wouldn’t permanently alter their relations.  The Blade of Marmora were already on strange ground without Zarkon, and they didn’t need to lose Voltron’s support on top of that.  Not when it was on Ulaz’ actions, and for something that made sense on paper.  For the Blade, it had been the right call, as awful as it was.

Still, it was much harder to forgive a number game approach to morality when one was the sacrifice.

Ulaz stared at the wall and wondered what the rest of the team was thinking.

His torture was to wait and to wallow without information.

It was much better than the torture he’d put Shiro through.

***

The next time the door opened, it was Pidge and Hunk.  They walked in, Pidge with a tablet and Hunk with breakfast.  Both looked grim.

Sitting up, Ulaz took a deep breath.  “Can I help you?”

“Yes,” Pidge replied, head tilted up and shoulders squared.  “You’re going to tell us all of those commands and what they do, and what happened to Shiro when you were training them into him.”

Ulaz nodded.  “Of course.”  Then he paused, resting his hands on his knees.  “Is Shiro...”

They traded a quick look, barely long enough for Ulaz to see.  “He’s dealing with it,” Hunk replied carefully.  He set the tray down with perhaps more force than was needed.  “That’s not your worry right now.”

“All due respect, I worry regardless,” Ulaz said.  “I just hope he is well.”

“He’s not,” Pidge shot back, tone like blunt force trauma.  “Not at all.  How could he be?”

Ulaz ducked his head.  She was right.  Shiro had just discovered a whole new branch of torture he hadn’t known about, one that took control of his body and mind and held it in a painful stranglehold.  He wasn’t going to be alright after that.

Silence reigned for a long moment while Ulaz digested and wallowed.  When he looked up, they both still looked angry, but also tired.

He wondered if worry had kept them up or if it was just the situation in general.

“Alright.  You should sit.  This may take a while.” Ulaz sat up straighter again and steeled himself.  “They are numbered, but that wasn’t the order we taught him in.  Instead, we went incrementally by the amount of action required.  Haggard didn’t want him being able to predict the next command to be learned if he remembered after each session.  Which order do you prefer?”

Looking ill, Hunk sat down heavily and gripped at the armrests.  “The order you taught him,” Hunk said.  “And how.”

Nodding, Ulaz began to speak.

He made himself watch the horror in their eyes, refused to look away from their anger and pain, just as he hadn’t been able to look away from Shiro’s.

It was, after all, quite literally the least he could do.

It took half an hour to get through explaining each of the 22 different basic commands.  The rest, as he told him, was just responding with the same efficiency to all orders.

“Then why do it?” Hunk let out, wiping tears away yet again.  His face was a streaked mess, but Ulaz hadn’t been able to offer him anything to wipe his face with without an attached bathroom.  “Why make all those commands with the long activation codes when you’re just going to make him like that anyway?”

Ulaz took a deep breath.  “I can’t say I understand all of what Haggar wanted,” he replied.  “It wasn’t my place to question, usually, and Haggar had little patience for long questions and answers.  I didn’t want to risk losing my position and depriving the Blade of Marmora of that information.”

Without looking up from her pad, Pidge nodded.  “Fine.  Guess anyway.”

“It trained him,” Ulaz replied.  “Into a mentality.  A state where the rest of his mind shut off until it was called back.”

Hunk swallowed hard.  “Like a split personality?”

It sounded like it had deeper meaning to the humans, but Ulaz could only guess what he meant from the words.  “I do not think so.  I tended to treat them as separate, at times, but that was my perception.  It was still Shiro’s mind, just without his resistances and morals.”

“Shiro without Shiro.”  Pidge made a disgusted noise and shook her head, visibly shuddering.  “Because he was the Champion?”

“Yes,” Ulaz replied.  “I imagine so.  I don’t know why he would have caught Haggar’s eye otherwise.  But there were other victors in the ring who she never noticed at all.  The arena only held her interest for the possible experiments.  She found him interesting.”

“Don’t tell Shiro that,” Pidge ordered, her grip tight on the pad.  It creaked under the strength of it.  “Don’t even- he doesn’t need to know that.”

Considering, Ulaz took a deep breath.  “Assuming I ever speak with him again, I will answer any questions he asks me to the best of my ability.”  Under her glare, Ulaz only sighed.  “I have kept too much from him already.  I won’t do more.  He deserves full answers.”

“He does,” Hunk agreed softly.  Pidge moved her glare to him and he held up his hands placatingly.  “He does!  Sorry, but he should get to know if he wants.”

Visibly grinding her teeth, Pidge looked away from them both.

“Are there any other questions I can answer?” Ulaz asked.  He thought back, but nothing stood out as particularly important to share.  He’d said his piece.

The paladins shared a look, then Hunk shook his head.  “No.  You’re supposed to keep staying here.”

Ulaz nodded, unsurprised.  “If I need to use the restroom?”

Wincing, Hunk glanced at Pidge again.  She arched a brow, as if to say it didn’t matter to her what Ulaz needed, but Hunk sighed.  “Alright, I’ll go with you.  Pidge, can you-?”

“I’ll keep Shiro away,” she promised.  With a last nod to Hunk and a flat glare to Ulaz, she slipped out.

They waited a minute for Pidge to prepare, then Hunk led Ulaz through the halls, his hand gripping his reverted bayard the whole time.

Ulaz kept his head down and his mouth shut, but he watched the hallway carefully.

He didn’t see or hear Shiro at all.  Ulaz wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or relieved.

***

“We need to discuss your presence here,” Allura announced, stepping into the room with her head up high.

Ulaz nodded his understanding, sitting up and straightening his back.  There was nothing he could say to that, so he only watched, hands folded in his lap, as Allura leaned back against the wall and Lance followed her in, looking grim.  “What have you decided?”

“There isn’t a final decision, yet,” Allura told him, eyes still bright as she looked over him.  “We haven’t been able to contact the Blade of Marmora yet.”

That wasn’t a particular surprise.  “They will be lying low for the time being.  If you use my codes you’ll get a response faster, but it’s likely to be several cycles.”

Allura nodded, the corners of her eyes tightening unhappily.  “I see.”

“We have questions about the Blade of Marmora anyway,” Lance told him, arms crossed and shoulders set.  “Like how much they knew about what was going on.  Kolivan said he didn’t want you to free Shiro.  You went against his orders.”

Nodding back, Ulaz took a deep breath.  “They knew everything.  But the information my position afforded us was deemed too important to risk.  Until we learned about the Blue Lion on Earth, there was no reason to think they would gain anything from freeing Shiro.”

“But after, he still did not want to free Shiro,” Allura pointed out, voice very cold.

Ulaz nodded.  “It was my position that let us know the Blue Lion had been found.  We were going to attempt to recover the lion before the Empire got their hands on it.”

“You would have been too late,” Lance replied.  “Shiro only got there a few hours before the Galra.”

“Yes,” Ulaz agreed.  “But at that point, we still had hope of making it.”

Allura scoffed, and Ulaz only inclined his head.  Those estimates had been deeply wrong.  They had thought Zarkon would move slower, carefully organizing his fighters and working through the complicated bureaucracy of the Empire.  That had matched what they’d seen him do in the past.

They’d all underestimated how much Zarkon wanted the lions.  The depths of his obsession hadn’t been clear until Voltron reformed.

“Why free him, then?” Allura shot back.  “What did you think Shiro would be able to do?”

Ulaz looked back flatly.  “I thought... I supposed he could start something.  I knew he could be persuasive and stubborn, so I thought he could start the resistance on Earth, give the Galra more of a fight.  It didn’t know if it would do any good, but it was better than being attacked with no warning.”  Then he sighed.  “To be honest, the action wasn’t very well thought out.  I’d been looking for an excuse to free him.  Nothing I said to Kolivan made him agree it was worth it.  In the end, I didn’t like what I was doing to Shiro, and thought he’d be more of an asset elsewhere.”

“Well, you weren’t wrong,” Lance drawled, arms still crossed tightly.  “Can you prove you were trying to free him before?”

Ulaz considered.  “There may still be a record of the transmissions at the headquarters.”

Nodding, Lance looked at Allura, brows up.

She scowled at Ulaz, gaze tense.  “I see.  We’ll ask about that when we talk to Kolivan about all of this.  This kind of behavior is not what we expect of our allies.”

Ulaz gave a thin smile.  “All due respect, Princess Allura, but we were not working with your standards in mind.  We had no reason to think there would be anything but ourselves to rely on, after all, and we felt we had to do anything we could to stop Zarkon, even when that meant less moral actions.  I accept the consequences of what I did.  Whatever you choose to do, I will not protest.  But it was the actions we felt we had to take.”

Allura’s expression was dark and unhappy, and Ulaz suspected she thought that reflected on the character of the Blade of Marmora.  But for now she just nodded.  “We’ll speak more later.  If you need another restroom trip, you are to call only the first number on your console.”

Probably so he wouldn’t call Shiro or anywhere he’d hear.  If anything, that was comforting to Ulaz.  He nodded his agreement and settled back down.

He heard the door open and Allura step out, but Lance hesitated a moment.  “Shiro didn’t want you to go without speaking to you,” he told Ulaz, voice low.  “I hope he finds what he’s looking for in you.”

With that, he closed the door and Ulaz was left in silence.

***

The rest of the day and most of the next went without any contact aside from meals and restroom trips.  Ulaz mostly slept through it all.  He had his entertainments, like his tablet, but it felt odd to use them when he was a prisoner.  Exhaustion pulled at him despite how much he’d slept, like the heavy feeling in his chest was actively draining his energy.

Then there was a knock.

That alone was enough to startle Ulaz into sitting up.  None of the others had, even when food was delivered.  They simply came in and locked back up after themselves, because this wasn’t Ulaz’ space anymore.  It was simply where he was being held.

Lance’s parting words echoed in Ulaz’ head.  So he hoped.

A hope that was validated when the door opened and Shiro stood there, hesitance and reluctance in his posture.  Keith stood behind him, actively defensive, like he was prepared to grab Shiro and run for it if something went wrong.

For a long moment, neither of them said anything.  Shiro took a deep breath then paused, like he didn’t know what to say.  When he finally did speak, it was like the words burst out of him.

“I remember.  I remember everything.”

Ulaz stomach sank.  “Are you sure?” He asked, eyes wide.  “Haggar took pains to make you forget.”

Shivering, Shiro closed his eyes.  “I think so.  I remember forgetting.”  The shaking didn’t stop when he opened his eyes again, but he stepped in, Keith dogging his heels.  “When I was stuck like that after I remembered.  And Haggar wasn’t there to make me forget.”

Something about the tone of his voice made Ulaz pause.  Realization struck like a physical blow.  “You were having flashbacks.”

The shaking only seemed to get stronger.  “Yeah,” Shiro admitted, voice small.  “Strange, when I couldn’t feel emotions.”

“I’m sorry,” Ulaz replied, curling in on himself as he stared up at Shiro.  “I had no idea.  I-”  He cut himself off and shook his head.

He couldn’t say it would have changed anything, because it wouldn’t have.  Ulaz would have done the same thing, because it kept Shiro out of Haggar’s clutches.

“So I remember,” Shiro continued.  “I remember all the fights and everything I did.  And I remember everything you did to me.  I remember how you hurt me.”  His hands tightened into fists, his earlier hesitance burning into anger like oil catching fire.

Keith moved forward then, resting his hand on Shiro’s arm.  “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes,” Shiro replied, gaze still bright and tone strong, though the tremble hadn’t left him.  “Someone’s going to answer me about what happened.  He’s the only one here.”  He managed a smile, but it was a nasty, dark thing, more like baring his teeth.  

“What would you like me to do?” Ulaz answered, quiet and honest.  “I’ll do it.  Do you want to fight?  For me to answer questions?”

Shiro shook his head hard.  “No.  I don’t- I don’t know...”  He ran his hands through his hair, sudden and nervous.  “I heard what you said to the others.  About why you freed me.  Why didn’t you say something before?  Why didn’t you tell me about this?  I could have known about it.  All this was  _ in my head!” _

His voice rose in both pitch and volume, and Ulaz flinched back from it as the weight in his chest sank.  Behind him, Keith reached out again, but stopped himself and took a step back.  He seemed to think Shiro needed to do this.

Ulaz couldn’t argue that.

“I didn’t think-” Ulaz paused and swallowed hard.  “Haggar couldn’t use it against you unless she captured you again.  It wasn’t causing you trouble, and I had no intentions of ever using it again.  Until the situation arose, I would have sworn on my life that I would never do it again.  So telling you was...”

“Was what?” Shiro demanded, taking a step forward.  His eyes burned when they met Ulaz’, nearly a physical sensation.  “Was hard to do?  Was scary?  You knew you’d be in trouble?  Why not?  Even if it never came up, shouldn’t I know what happened to me?  I came to you for answers!  Over and over, I asked question after question and you never told me  _ any _ of it!”

“You would hate me,” Ulaz let out, the words ripping out from his chest.  “You were fond of me.  I thought if you knew then you’d go back to hating me like before.  I didn’t want that.”

And that was it.

Ulaz had no reason to keep it to himself.  For all his justifications, it had been a stupid risk and a terrible thing to hide from Shiro.

He was simply selfish.  He’d fallen for Shiro during those months, fallen for the spirit he saw between the conditioning, and he’d wanted to set him free because of it. And now he could have both sides, hold the sword and the hilt at once.

Or, he had.  No longer.

“I did hate you,” Shiro replied, voice trembling.  “I remember how much I hated you.  When you were around, it was to hurt me or to interrogate me.  And that was when I didn’t know what you were doing to me.  When Haggar kept making me forget.”  His head dropped and he covered his face with his hands, fingers curling into his bangs.  “Those times you’d talk to me, ask about Earth.  You were looking for the Blue Lion?”

It took Ulaz a moment to place the conversation, then he shook his head.  “No.  I never interrogated you for Haggar’s benefit.  I just wanted to speak with you.  I wanted to encourage the times when you were yourself.”  He sighed.  “I stopped because I seemed to be making you worse.  Especially when you’d starve yourself because of a careless question.”

Shiro flinched.  “I didn’t starve myself,” he insisted, voice dark and dripping with malice.  “I shouldn’t have been given so little food in the first place.  I should have been given more to eat after.  It was you who starved me.”

Closing his eyes, Ulaz nodded.  “You’re right, that was poorly worded of me.  I apologize.”  He didn’t point out that Haggar wouldn’t have let him.  They both knew it, but they also knew Ulaz could have managed if he was determined enough.

He hadn’t been.  He hadn’t thought it was worth the risk.

“I hated you and I forgot,” Shiro replied.  “And then you freed me and I only remembered you from when... from my arm.  I trusted you.  After all that, I just  _ trusted _ you.  Then after, I lead everyone to you because I believed in you.  No other reason.  And all that time you-”  Shiro shook his head hard, voice cracking into nothing.  “All that time you’d broken me.  Is that why I trusted you?  Is that why I believed in you?  Did you make me feel that way?”

Ulaz closed his eyes in pain.  “No.  Not purposefully.  Haggar had no patience for creating loyalty.  Fear worked just as well for her.”  He paused, taking a deep breath.  “Shiro, I never meant-”

“To hurt me?” Shiro finished, a sudden snarl, so loud that Ulaz flinched and opened his eyes again.  “You never meant to  _ hurt me _ , is that what you were going to say?  You tortured me!  You made me fight and kill, and you didn’t mean to hurt me?”

Ulaz pulled back.  “Never meant to confuse you.  We never touched your emotions.  The goal was to get rid of them completely.  I promise you that.”

“Comforting,” Shiro spat, dark and venomous.  “Thanks so much for that.”  His breathing came in rapid, short bursts.  “Makes me feel so much better.”

There was nothing Ulaz could say to that except the obvious.  “I’m sorry.”

Something flashed in Shiro’s eyes.  “Not as much as you could be,” he muttered, nearly a growl, and the metal hand twitched pointedly.  “You could be much, much sorrier.”

“I could be more wounded,” Ulaz replied.  “I could not be more sorry.”

Growling again, Shiro stepped forward, his hand activating and casting the light in pale purple hues.  “You could be  _ hurting, _ then.  Like you did to me.”

That was true.  Ulaz swallowed, growing more nervous.  He’d said he wouldn’t fight, and he’d meant it at the time, but that was harder to follow when the threat was looming.  Still, he kept his hand in his lap, the claws digging into the armor on his legs.  “I could be,” he agreed.

Shiro moved suddenly, his arm snapping out until his fingers were just inches from Ulaz’ throat.

They held there, no longer trembling.  Just waiting.

“Shiro,” Keith murmured, and Ulaz started slightly.  He’d nearly forgotten the other human was in the room.  “Think about this.  Is this what you want?”

Shiro’s other hand clenched and he didn’t look back at Keith.  “I’m thinking about it.”

“Don’t do something you’ll regret,” Keith said gently.  “You’ve been through enough.”

Something seemed to crack in Shiro at the words.  The arm didn’t deactivate, but it did drop an inch, and Ulaz relaxed despite himself.

Shiro’s eyes were still sharp and desperate when Ulaz met his gaze.

“One last question,” Shiro replied.  “Why did you free me?  Why did you really do it?”

Looking up into Shiro’s eyes, Ulaz took a deep breath.  “Because I admired you.  You, not the person Haggar was building.  Your body would survive, but you would not.  You seemed to be fading.  So I took the first excuse I got to save you.”

“That doesn’t excuse what you did.  It doesn’t make any of it okay.”  Shiro’s voice was strangled and quiet, and the shaking started again.

Ulaz nodded his agreement.  “It does not.  It doesn’t obligate you to do anything for me.  What I did was wrong.  It felt like the right choice, but it hurt you deeply.  And for that, I can never express my full regrets.  I didn’t want you to remember - not only to protect myself, but because the knowledge would hurt you, and I didn’t want to do that again.”

Eyes burning, Shiro dropped his hand the rest of the way.  “You did anyway.”

The words hit with the force of the strike that Shiro had pulled back.  Ulaz closed his eyes hard against tears and nodded. “Yes.  But you are alive to feel hurt and to hate me for it.  You still exist, in body and mind.  There’s little I wouldn’t do to protect that.”

Shiro took another deep breath, and this time it sounded wet.  “Okay.  I need- I need to think about this.  But I’ll tell Allura not to kill you, still.”

“Whatever you decide, I will agree to,” Ulaz replied, voice gentling.  “That’s all I can do for you, now.”

Blinking rapidly, Shiro turned away.  He paused at the door, then pushed off the frame and ran out.  Ulaz heard his footsteps run down the hall until they faded out.

It left just him and Keith in the room together.

“I understand why you did it, I think.” Keith said.  “In your place, I can’t say what I would have done.  That’s  why you’re still alive right now.  But if you do that again, I’m going to kill you.  And it’s going to be slow.”

There were a few things Ulaz could say in response to that, but in the end he just nodded.  “I understand.”

And he did.  There were several similarities between himself and Keith.  Heritage was the least of them. But perhaps the greatest was the lengths they would go to in the protection of Shiro.

Even if that blurred what was the right thing to do.

“Good.”  With that, Keith nodded to him.  “We’ll let you know what’ll happen tonight.”

When he left, he shut the door behind him.

Laying back on the bed, Ulaz covered his face with his hands and shook with his own repressed tears.


	5. Every Breath We Draw

In the end, Ulaz was not returned to the Blade of Marmora, or thrown out an airlock, or dropped off at the Empire, or any of the other possible things that could have happened to him.

Instead, Allura informed him that he was no longer a full prisoner, but he was to stick to a set schedule of movement until otherwise notified.

It was truly and deeply more than Ulaz deserved, but to tell them so would just be self-indulgent to his wallowing.  So he thanked her and moved on.

When Ulaz asked Coran why he wasn’t being removed from the castle, he earned a sigh.

“Shiro didn’t want you to be,” Coran told him, sounding tired and much older - or rather, the age he was, rather than the one he projected.  “He argued that you had been just as much a prisoner and that you made the right choice for the universe.”

Ulaz winced.  “I cannot imagine that was accepted well.”

Coran just shot him a flat look.  No, no it had not been.

It made a certain amount of sense.  At the end of the day, Shiro was the leader of Voltron.  He was prepared to make hard decisions, even if he didn’t want to.  The fate of the universe came first.

That meant little to the people who were hurt in the process.

Or, at least, it usually did.  Apparently Shiro was different in this way too.

It was a complicated feeling, to both be grateful that he wasn’t uprooted from the castle and frustrated that it was for this reason.

But Ulaz didn’t really have the right to protest Shiro making his own choices, so he just nodded.

From there, things were very near normal.  Keeping to a strict schedule was a bother, as Ulaz had never been particularly fond of regimented living, but it wasn’t a difficult adjustment.  It was one he’d made for other missions before, and usually for worse reasons.  He also found himself alone more often than not.  Ulaz took his meals alone, now, and outside of necessary interactions, like helping Coran and Allura keep the castle functional, he was essentially left to his own devices.

To Ulaz’ surprise, that was harder to deal with.  He’d grown used to being part of the team. Strategy meetings , helping Keith work through his heritage, simply being around the others.  He’d adapted to this life more thoroughly than he’d thought.  There had been many times in his life that Ulaz was isolated, both by his own design and not, but this was the first time it had bothered him so much.

There was nothing to be done for it, though.  Ulaz had always known this day was coming.  The loyalty of the team would always come down on Shiro’s side, as it should, and this was the consequences he’d always known were coming.

So it was a surprise when, on his way to the kitchens, he heard someone call out to him.

“Ulaz.”

The voice made Ulaz’ chest feel heavy and full of heat.

Turning, Ulaz took a deep breath and met Shiro’s eyes.  “Did you need something?”

Shiro met his gaze steadily as he jammed on his helmet.  “Yes, actually.  Spar with me.”

What?

“You’d like to...?” Ulaz repeated, looking over Shiro in his full paladin armor.  “Now?”

“Yes.”

It was so unlike Shiro’s usual tone that it threw Ulaz off further.  Shiro wasn’t usually for throwing out imperious orders and expecting instant obedience.  The previous Black Paladin still spoke no other way, but Shiro suggested and stepped back, taking the other’s expertise into account and working around that and filling the gaps.

Not...

Not  _ this. _

But Ulaz was pinned by that steady, cold gaze, aware he’d put that stony look in Shiro’s eyes.  So Ulaz had no choice but to nod and step forward.  “As you wish.”

There was a flash of something in Shiro’s expression, then, and Ulaz vaguely remembered the humans bandying that phrase about jokingly at one point.  But the context was lost on Ulaz, so all he could do was follow when Shiro turned on his heel and marched down the hall.

Ulaz was already wearing his own armor out of habit, but he didn’t bother with the helmet.  He rarely did when it wasn’t necessary, as he wasn’t a fan of the way it smooshed his ears against the sides of his head.  Besides, this was just a spar, as Shiro said.  The only reason he should need it was in case of falling, and Ulaz wasn’t too worried about that in a quick skirmish.

Setting himself up across from Ulaz, Shiro looked him over, that cold, calculating look still present.  It might have been like how Ulaz looked at Shiro when they first met, when Ulaz was assessing and calculating what this alien was capable of and deciding the best way to break him.

Fear began to trickle into Ulaz’ stomach, icy and slick, just as Shiro shot forward.

He moved with a speed and efficiency that Ulaz normally associated with his other mentality, not with Shiro instead.  The fear grew as Ulaz dove out of the way, cursing himself for forgoing the helmet.  This was not a friendly training spar, and he’d been a fool for assuming it was.

Ulaz didn’t get the chance to activate his helmet.  Instead, Shiro turned on his heel and jumped after, striking with his metal arm.  Ulaz rolled out of the way just before the fingers struck the tile where his head had been.

Scrambling to his feet, Ulaz finally got enough time to defend himself.  He blocked the next blow, letting it roll off his armor, then he grabbed onto Shiro’s forearm to try and still him.

Only for Shiro to use the grip as a balance to jump up and kick up at his head.

Ulaz ducked that, which was more difficult with Shiro’s shorter height, and let go of his arm to grab at his waist instead.  But Shiro grabbed onto Ulaz’ shoulders and whipped around him, all his not-insignificant weight pressing down on his spine.  By the time Ulaz had adjusted his stance to account for the extra weight, Shiro was on his back with his metal arm around Ulaz’ throat.

Tight.

Was Shiro actually trying to kill him?

Panic took over, overwhelming his desire to treat Shiro gently.  Ulaz reached back and grabbed Shiro by the upper arm, then threw him at full force over his shoulder.  

Shiro went tumbling, twisting to get his feet under him and rolling with the momentum. He was back on his feet in a second, and he pushed off to dive right back into the fight.

Relentless, effective, adaptable, flexible.

All the reasons Shiro had been suited to Haggar’s program, and all the things Ulaz had trained him into being.

Directed right back at him.

And Shiro knew it.

Ulaz swung for Shiro’s chest, wishing he had his Blade with him.  He’d left it laying uselessly on his bed, assuming he’d be back in just a few minutes.  Shiro moved with the strike, dodging out of the way, but Ulaz saw it coming and moved to match him.  He got Shiro in the temple with the back of his head, sending it snapping to the side.

Freezing, Ulaz stared at Shiro in worry, afraid at having wounded him with the backhand blow.

The hesitation was all Shiro needed.  He kicked out, hitting Ulaz directly in the gut.

With a groan, Ulaz crashed backward onto the floor.  He started to roll over to get up, but rather than stay a safe distance or take advantage of his position of power, Shiro dove onto him.

There were a couple of chaotic moments of pure grappling.  Ulaz should have had no problem dealing with Shiro, but he was flexible and fast, and Ulaz was winded and terrified to hurt him further.  

Then Shiro wrapped his fingers around Ulaz’ neck and squeezed.

Ulaz froze utterly on pure animal instinct, looking up in Shiro’s cold eyes.

Mother of all, was this how he died?

Panting like he’d run a mile, Shiro narrowed his eyes at Ulaz and tightened his grip.  “Do it.”

“Do what?” Ulaz demanded back.  He grabbed onto Shiro’s metal arm, trying to pry it off, but the grip tightened until he froze again, choking and kicking against the floor.

Shiro held on for several terrifying, dangerous moments, then relaxed it enough that Ulaz could pull in a ragged breath.  “Say the code.”

The activation codes?  Why?  “No!” Ulaz snarled back, narrowing his eyes.  “Why would I-” his voice cut off as Shiro tightened the grip again.

“Do it,” Shiro repeated, tone the same hard, furious command he’d used to convince Ulaz to spar with him.  “Say it now.”

Unable to speak, Ulaz shook his head and bared his teeth.  He would not.  He would  _ not! _  Nevermind that the other paladins would kill him, nevermind that Allura and Coran would make sure there wasn’t enough of a corpse left to send to the Blade of Marmora, nevermind that last time he’d done it Shiro had looked like his world had ended.

Ulaz never wanted to do it again.  He never wanted to have that control over Shiro, never wanted to use that power, never wanted to hurt him again.

So he would not do it.

Staring down at him, eyes like ice, Shiro lightened his grip once more until he was just barely shy of touching.  Ulaz took a deep breath, thinking he had a chance to talk Shiro down from whatever was going through his head.

Then the arm activated.

Ulaz yelled, more from surprise than pain, not quite yet.  The smell of burning fur filled the air between them as the small, velvety hairs that covered most of him were destroyed in the heat.

Pure, animal instinct called at Ulaz to try and fight, try and run, but he knew doing all that would only force himself up into that dangerous hand.  Instead he could only stay very, very still.

“Say the code,” Shiro demanded again, eyes nearly glowing from the reflected light of his arm.  “Activate me.”

And for a moment, born of pure fear and self-preservation, Ulaz considered it.  Shiro was asking, after all, and he must have his reasons.  He wanted it, so why shouldn’t Ulaz give him exactly what he was asking for?

But Ulaz wasn’t just holding back for Shiro.  He was holding back for himself as well.

_ “No!” _ Ulaz snarled back, loud and vehement, and his eyes shut in anticipation of pain.

Instead, the heat disappeared and Shiro’s weight climbed off his chest.

When Ulaz managed to fight his body’s response away and opened his eyes, Shiro was curled up a few feet away, arm clutched to his chest.  He looked shaken, eyes red with what might have been the start of tears.  “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  I had to know.”

A test.  It had been a test.

Of course it had.  Ulaz had been a fool not to see it.

“Now you do,” Ulaz agreed quietly.  “I did it in defense of your life, and the lives of your team.  If you were captured, Voltron-”  He sighed.  “No, I did it to save you.  Not to save myself.  Never for that.”

Shiro nodded, eyes squeezed shut.  “I understand,” he managed, voice tight with tears.  “I told them that.  You did the right thing, staying and participating.  It  _ hurts, _ but it was the decision you should have made.”

“I will still hold the guilt and the regrets,” Ulaz told him.  “And if it were to happen again, I do not know that I would make the same choices, knowing what I do.”

Opening his eyes again, Shiro swallowed hard.  “Because of Voltron?”

“Because you are  _ you. _  And if I had the chance again, I would choose you over the universe.”

Now, the redness was certainly from building tears.  “Don’t say that.  Please don’t say that.”

“I said I would tell you the truth from now on,” Ulaz replied, gentle as he could manage.  “I intend to keep that promise.”

Moving closer, Shiro offered a hand - the natural one this time - and Ulaz took it, grunting as he sat up.  Then he scooted closer, fingers out and just shy of brushing the burnt fur.  “Are you hurt?”

“A light burn,” Ulaz acknowledged, because he didn’t intended to go against his word that quickly.  “Like when your Pidge was sunburned.  It will heal.”

Shiro nodded slowly.  “I’ll talk to Coran to see if there’s anything for it,” he promised.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to.  I had to know.  I had to  _ know _ you wouldn’t, even when you thought the worst.”

Unable to help it, Ulaz let out a soft chuckle.  It made his throat tinge, but he ignored it.  “I can hardly fault you for the role you felt you had to feel, can I?”

Reluctantly, the corner of Shiro’s mouth pulled up.  “I guess not.  You know I can hold this over your head forever now, right?  There’s no argument I can’t win now.  My humming is annoying?  Well you conditioned me into Haggar’s soldier for Sendak to use.  Deal with it.”

Ulaz smiled, mostly at Shiro’s attempt at humor rather than actually finding it funny.  “So long as you are alive to argue with me, I do not mind at all.”

Shiro’s cheeks went pink.  Then he stood and offered his hand again.  “C’mon, let’s get you food while I call Coran.”

Taking it, Ulaz pulled himself to his feet and let go.  Shiro’s fingers lingered for just one moment, then he started down the hall, already chatting again.

It wasn’t like it had been.  But that was fine.  Before had been based on lies and half-truths, and this was the real thing.

So Ulaz settled at the table and watched while Shiro called Coran on the intercom, smiling softly.

It wasn’t as easy as it had been, and it would take time to build up trust again.

But Ulaz thought it was possible.  After all, they were both here and alive, and that was more than either of them really had reason to believe they’d have.

Maybe something would come of their mutual (former?) feelings.  Maybe nothing would.  Maybe Ulaz’ part in Shiro’s torture wasn’t something he could ever truly get past.  Maybe it was.

Ulaz was prepared to find out.

**Author's Note:**

> Looking for more Uliro, or Voltron in general? Follow me on [tumblr](bosstoaster.tumblr.com/).


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